One day long ago there lived a man named Joseph. Joseph was a weak man. He was also gay. Joseph lived near the train tracks of Grand Central Station in New York. So technically he was homeless. The only items he owned were his iPod and seven million dollars. I’m sure you’re wondering, if Joseph had seven million dollars why is he homeless? My answer to you is I don’t fucking know; let me get on with my story. The date was February 2nd, 1974. Joseph awoke one morning feeling as if he was missing something in his life. He was lonely and in need of a man’s gay touch. Because let’s not forget, he’s gay. He decided that he was tired of being alone and he would use his seven million dollars to benefit him both sexually and spiritually. He would use his money to travel to Rainbowland. Rainbowland was in 1974 what we in 2011 call San Francisco, California. Just as soon as he decided his destiny, he began packing his belongings. He put his iPod in his pocket, his seven million dollars in a briefcase he stole from a traveling businessman, lit his cardboard box on fire, and put a leash on his pet goat. I forgot, he also had a pet goat. The goat’s name was Tobin, and he could talk. He also fucking hates his leash. Joseph and Tobin bought a ticket to take a train from New York to Indianapolis, Indiana. When Joseph tried buying a ticket for Tobin, the ticket guy said animals couldn’t ride trains. That’s when Joseph explained that that was not a goat; it was definitely Morgan Freeman, you dumbass. The ticket guy apologized for his mistake and proceeded to give Tobin the goat a ticket. Joseph and the impersonating goat boarded the train and headed for Indiana. Joseph listened to his iPod while Tobin signed autographs to people thinking he was Morgan Freeman. While on the train, Joseph met a girl named Tiffany. Tiffany was ugly as shit when comparing her to a banana split from Dairy Queen. Then again, nothing looks better than a banana split from Dairy Queen. Tiffany was actually pretty damn hot. Joseph and Tiffany hit it off immediately. After telling each other about their lives for five minutes, they went to the bathroom and had sex. Don’t forget, Joseph is full-blown gay. What the fuck? After having sex with Tiffany, Joseph told her to get off the train at the next stop and to forget all about him. The train made a stop in Cleveland, Ohio. Tiffany got off the train just as she was told. The train wouldn’t be leaving for an hour, which gave Joseph and Tobin time to roam about the city. Cleveland was a bright city at the time. In the 1970s, Lebron James still wasn’t born and the Cleveland Indians had a riot break out at one of their baseball games due to the 10-cent beer specials. Actually, Cleveland sucked even back then. Joseph and Tobin ventured into a back alleyway where they met Ryan, the homeless, drug-addict leprechaun. The leprechaun informed Joseph of this made up fairytale drug called LSD. He had never heard about it, because the leprechaun totally made it up, but he tried some anyway. He ended up tripping hardcore and met all four members of The Beatles in a house made out of a grapefruit. He also had sex with Marilyn Monroe. Joseph is seriously gay though. Once coming down from his trip, Joseph took his goat companion back to the train station and then proceeded to board the train. While on the train he met a black guy named Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel was only two years old at the time.
Joseph gave some of his leftover LSD to him. Samuel ended up hallucinating and imagining himself on a plane that was infested with snakes. Samuel screamed “I’ve had it with these mother fucking snakes on this mother fucking plane.” His crackhead mom brought him back to reality and made him calm down from his horrible trip. His mother then proceeded to tell him to go the fuck to sleep. As Samuel went to sleep, Joseph and Tobin soon followed. They liked to cuddle when they would sleep. It was totally weird. I mean, a gay man and a goat cuddling. That’s just awkward kind of. The next morning they awoke to find that the train had wrecked underground and had caught fire. Everyone around them was dead. Joseph and Tobin decided to leave the train and go for higher ground. They walked for miles until they stumbled upon Carlos. Carlos was a rat and he could talk. Carlos informed them that they were somewhere in Chicago and if he would walk a little further he would come out of the sewage drain that was right next to Wrigley Field. Joseph thanked the talking rat for his assistance and followed his advice. Surely enough, he and Tobin came out from the ground right next to Wrigley Field. Tobin had always been an avid Cardinals fan so he then proceeded to pose as Morgan Freeman and bought a bottle of whiskey. He took a towel, doused it in gasoline, put it in the bottle of whiskey, then through it onto the grape vine of Wrigley Field. Wrigley Field burned to the ground. While Tobin committed arson, Joseph went to talk to a fortuneteller named Madame Sambrano. Madame Sambrano was so hot. I mean, she didn’t compare to a banana split from Dairy Queen, but the only thing better than a banana split from Dairy Queen is getting a pedicure. Joseph asked the fortuneteller how he could get to Rainbowland. She replied with a mysterious and absolutely pointless answer by telling him to trust his instincts. Joseph completely blew off whatever this dumb broad was saying, and then had sex with her. Joseph is for real gay, though. Tobin ended up getting arrested for committing first-degree arson and had to go to the Chicago public jail to stay for two years. This made Joseph so bummed out. Joseph ended up spending a million dollars to live in Chicago for two years. He stayed in the crappiest motel he could find. While living in the hotel he made friends with the mice that would constantly come through the walls, just passing by. They all could talk. They would talk for hours at a time some nights. The mice would tell him of all the cool shit they would find in the motel. The main thing they would come across were just used condoms though. It was really lame. Joseph never got a job just because if you think about it, a million dollars will keep you pretty set for a good while if you live in a shitty motel. He would normally have his mice friends bring him the cheese that was set on mousetraps. While Joseph ate the cheese, he and the mice would talk about what dumbasses the people who would set the traps were. March 17th, 1976 was the day Tobin the goat was released from prison. He always had the other prisoners under the impression that he was Morgan Freeman so they never messed with him. Who would fuck with Morgan Freeman anyway? He’s such a good guy. Anyway, with only six million dollars remaining with them, the two companions set out for Rainbowland once again. Tobin, in his smart-ass usual tone,
asked Joseph how they would go about traveling. Joseph decided he wanted to play it safe and bought two first class plane tickets to go to Arizona. The flight would connect from Arizona straight to California. While on the flight, Tobin immediately fell asleep by the window while Joseph sat next to this girl named Lafonda. Lafonda was a country girl, born and raised way down south yonder Detroit, Michigan. She was moving to Los Angeles to be more at peace with her country personality because Detroit wasn’t country enough for her, and she thought Los Angeles would be. She had strawberry blonde hair and tits down to her hips. Joseph was immediately smitten, even though he was gay. It was too hard for him to fight the urge, and they ended up having sex in the airplane bathroom. Joseph was now a member of the mile-high club. Joseph told Lafonda if she let word slip about what they had done, he would kill her pet horse named James. James was also on the plane, somewhere. He could talk too. He had a British accent. I’m not lying. Anyway, Joseph ended up falling asleep/cuddling with Tobin back at their seats. When he awoke he found himself stranded on an island with 47 other surviving passengers. Their plane went 1,000 miles off course and crashed on an unknown island. I’m just kidding, that’s the plot to Lost. But for real though, they did crash. They just crashed in the Hudson River though so everything was okay. Well, almost everything. Since the Hudson River is in New York, Joseph and Tobin realized they were right back to where they started. They were so pissed. Tobin was so upset he actually ended up injecting himself with heroine and became addicted. Joseph spent six thousand dollars for Tobin to go to rehab for eight years to help break him of his horrible habit. So the year is now 1984, or somewhere around then. Reagan was in office, I think. Whoever was the president does not matter, because this story has absolutely nothing to do with politics. Anyway, back to this epic tale. The day was October 14th, 1984 when Tobin was released from rehab. The leaves have already begun to change colors and the weather was just cold enough that Tobin was wearing a windbreaker. I’m serious; this goat was wearing a windbreaker. It looked so dumb. Tobin and Joseph hadn’t talked in eight years. When Joseph went to pick Tobin up from rehab, neither of them knew what to expect. As soon as Tobin laid eyes upon his long lost friend, he got a boner. The boner was not due to attraction, yet excitement. Sort of how my dog gets a rocket right after he’s done playing and running around. Joseph greeted his old friend with a pat on the head. Tobin secretly hated being treated as an actual pet, because he was not like most goats; he was a talking goat, remember? Tobin let this one slide though. Joseph spent two million of his six million remaining dollars on multiple vehicles to drive. He parked them randomly around New York City. He was constantly paying parking tickets but he didn’t care, he was very wealthy, until he would eventually go bankrupt, but we aren’t to that part of the story yet. Shit, I just ruined this whole thing for you. Stop reading now, please. If you have continued to read thus far, then you are truly retarded. Three years have passed and it is not 1987. The Russians have just invaded Japan. This is based on thorough research. Joseph has realized he is no longer gay or straight. He has decided he is into animals. He and Tobin have been married in a civil union and
they have three goat children. They are the ugliest bastard children I have ever seen. I guess you could still consider Joseph gay because he married a male goat. That’s beside the point, because homeboy porked a goat. They had two sons and one daughter. The oldest is 48 months old. His name is Sebastian. He is of one year the elder to his younger brother Gregory. Joseph and Tobin’s youngest child is a beautiful girl named Cassidy. Well, she was as beautiful as a half human half-goat thing could be. She definitely was a far ways away from a Dairy Queen banana split. The two elder sons are already showing signs of protection for their younger sister who is only 6 months old. They probably won’t have to worry about her getting into any danger when she’s older, because there’s no way creatures like them could live to be more than six years old. They’re just way too ugly. Have you been wondering how a male human and a male goat have reproduced? If you have pondered this, then give yourself a pat on the back, because that’s thinking critically. Now shut the fuck up. These kids were so dumb, fo real. They had half the brain of a human and half the brain of a goat, making them literally more retarded than any fully human brained person could be. They didn’t have to go to school or anything. In fact, they weren’t even meant to happen. They were definitely accidents. I guess Tobin and Joseph will never learn though because Joseph is pregnant with another one. Yeah, I bet you thought Tobin was the one getting pregnant, huh? I fooled you, idiot. Life at home was interesting to say the least for this fucked up family. Joseph and Tobin had crazy loud sex every night that would horrify and keep the goat children awake until the wee hours of the morning. The house they lived in wasn’t actually a house. They lived on the backside of a landfill about thirty miles outside of Dallas, Texas. They find it peaceful enough because nobody bothers them. The only downside is that it constantly smelled like shit and trash. It was a bittersweet life they lived. The kids would wake up in the morning and breakfast would already be waiting for them. Everyone ate grass, even Joseph who is a human. Joseph hated it for two years until finally he just sucked it up and started dealing with it. It was either he eats grass, or he starves. Tobin secretly wishes he would starve because Joseph is super clingy and also pregnant. Tobin would sometimes lay awake at night thinking of horrible ways to kill his husband. He would think once Sebastian was older he would be strong enough to kill his father. Tobin honestly thinks these disgusting children will live past six years old. What a dumbass goat. Since they moved to the landfill they made new neighbors who turned into new friends. They met a dying mule that is expected to die a slow and painful death next Wednesday. They also met a homeless drug addict named AJ. One day Joseph asked AJ what his initials stood for and AJ replied “ass juice.” Joseph hasn’t seen or spoken to AJ since that fateful day, he only assumes he died. Their closest and most faithful neighbor was a dehydrated catfish named Gumby. Gumby was such a douchebag. He always talked about all these female catfish he banged and wore Ed Hardy clothing. Ed Hardy clothing also comes in fish sizes. Joseph and Tobin looked past the douchebag personality of Gumby and it turned out he was a really cool dude/fish. Once a week Joseph and Tobin had Gumby and his hot catfish wife over for dinner. Joseph always accommodated Gumby and his wife Cindy with worms while Tobin ate grass and Joseph ate shit. Literally, he ate feces. Anytime Joseph and
Tobin wanted to go out on a date, Gumby always offered to watch the kids. He would have the goat children come over to their house and they would all sit around and watch movies. The only movies they watched featured horrible actors and a profound amount of nudity. There would normally be a man and a woman in just about every scene having sex, and certain movies featured two women having sex. If you are picking up what I’m putting down, you would realize I’m saying that the catfish and the goat children all watched porn. Gumby made the goat children promise not to tell their fathers about what they had watched or they would be killed. As you may have guessed, the kids definitely complied. Even half men halfgoats don’t want to die.